'Here i am'

A couple of years ago i was sitting with my mum having 'wine time' and we were talking about what we want out of life, want we want to do and be in our life. I think mum said something along the lines of " I just want to be happy " ....when it was my turn i said "....well, i would like to move to Italy one day, i want to learn Italian, become a published writer, have a photograph published in national geographic, be a teacher, travel the entire world and write for lonely planet, open a small cute cafe...oh yeah and be happy! "

Peering at me over her wine glass, mouth slightly open, she said " Are you going to do ALL of this before... or after you move to Italy? " thinking i was joking. My reply was very serious and something along the lines of " Oh god no mum....i want to do all of this before i die...i have plenty of time ". She nodded her head slowly & silently, eyes wide and eyebrows raised with a look on her face of 'sure, yes plenty of time darling' as we sipped at our sav blanc.

Well, as luck would have it....I'm living in Italy. The perfect place to learn Italian right? To tick another box on the list. But alas it seems instead of trying to learn Italian i have been flitting about with the little, comfortable Italian i do know, not making much effort to learn more. While continuing on filling my days with a relentless pursuit to do and be everything on my very long list, all at the same time. I have five journals on the go for the five books I'm trying to write, i put time aside each day for illustrating those books, i research cute interior designs for the cute little cafe i want, i exercise, i eat, i meditate, I'm composing a cover letter to lonely planet, I'm thinking about what photos i would send to national geographic, I'm looking into a teaching course to teach english as a foreign language....im doing everything but learning Italian, everything but learning MY foreign language.

A couple of days ago this ravenous pursuit for everything came to an almighty tearfull holt in the bedroom, where between breathless sobs and snot, Luca calmly and carefully listened to my little pathetic pitty party( including hand gestures...im in Italy Eh!) because i have not learned Italian yet. Luca then calmly and carefully asked me a very powerful question "How hard have you been trying to learn?". I was instantly engulfed with hot anger at this question and looked at Luca in the eye like an angry bull ready to snap back my defence....but, when i looked at him i realised i wasn't angry at him, i felt no anger when i looked at him. In that instant i realised all that anger was directed directly at ME. I felt like there was another me, standing infront of me, pointing her finger at me and she said..."answer the question"... and so i whimpered out a coy "I haven't been trying at all". Then she said to me... "now ask yourself why"....I thought for a moment and sobbed out..."because im afraid i will fail, im afraid i cant do it, im afraid of sounding stupid ". Here i was, thinking i was just really damn good at multitasking all my goals simultaneously...instead a was just covering up the fear. I let fear stand infront of me like a big scary gate keeper and i didn't even try to pass him. I just ran in every other direction, trying to do everything else but look at him.

The realisation and clarification of this, plus Lucas next very powerful question " What was your goal once we moved to Italy?" along with my sheepish reply "Learn Italian!" brought an immediate calmness and stillness to my mind. I had just been pulled back into the present moment. I had confronted and understood my fear and was ready to walk past it. I knew then that there was no need for this relentless pursuit of all my goals right now, that their time will come. That my goal for this year was to learn Italian and here i am in Italy, here i am, ready to learn Italian....

After this realisation, i went out and sat on the terrace with a blank piece of paper and a pen...and this is what came out....

HERE I AM

The universe shifted & changed for me, i wanted with all my heart to be in Italy to learn this beautiful language

And now I am here....here I am

I must take this opportunity with both hands, with enthusiasm and energy. I must look at the fear in the eyes, smile and walk right on past

I must be a reflection of myself, inside and outside. The inside must be a reflection of all the beauty the universe has layed at my feet

I must always be in the present. The present is a gift we must carry always. Being delighted by it, excited by it, in it, wrapped up by it

I must drop the yarn that spins from the past and leads into the future. Let it go, and pick up the present that is at my feet

I must marvel at it, I must look at it, I must enjoy it because...

Here i am