Conspiracy theory

So does everyone remember that movie named Conspiracy theory....ok...well i don't remember exactly how it goes or who was in it (actually maybe tom cruise was in it, tom cruise is in everything unmemorable) but i do remember there was a conspiracy and there was a theory. At this very moment i feel as if i am the target in an intricate, clever, subtle conspiracy theory. The aim of this conspiracy is to feed me until i cant fit into my new favorite skinny jeans any more!

For a woman this is possibly one of the worst things that could happen to her, apart maybe from loosing a leg so your skinny jeans don't look so good either. Now, before you think I'm going a little crazy or have consumed to much good wine & carbs that have gone to my head i will give you just one of many examples of this sneaky, scary conspiracy(well im not that scared but my jeans are because I'm going to keep squeezing into them no matter how tight they get!)



At Lucas house i have noticed this peculiar ritual like dance that happens every lunch & dinner that i think is part of this crazy conspiracy. This dance begins around the dinning table, it instantly sends me into this weird sort of trance with a sequence of steps as follows....( while reading think of a slow song beat, like if you were learning to dance...Back step 1&2 and 3&4)



Back step, table cloth on, napkins down, knife & folk next and glasses to the left, forward step, water wine and drinks on the table, with a clap in the air and turn around, take a step to the fridge grab cheese & salami, take a step to the left, slide a loaf of bread under your arm...Pause and face your partner.



By now I'm completely in a trance like state, pupils dilated, eyes wide as i move to take my seat at the table. The main meal is passed around the table in a clockwise rotation which keeps me in my trance. This ritual dance continues on as the table is cleared and quickly reset for dessert and then again for coffee.....then into the kitchen where all is rinsed, stacked, washed and shaken.



It is not until i am outside in the garden shaking the table cloth after dinner when the rooster next door gives a "cock-a-doodle-doo" .....and snaps me out of my trance, like i had been hypnotised by the rhythm of it all and i stand there wondering what just happened to me, what happened to my stomach and "WHY ARE MY JEANS SO TIGHT......."